Here I Am

Welcome to Phoenix, Purple Phoenix JourneyHere I Am

Why is it that some days I feel like I’m starting at zero again?
All my growth down the drain.
Locked in fear.
Everything is so loud.
Can’t focus, can’t move, going about my days in a daze.
My to-do list screaming at me and paralyzing me.
Second guessing every move.
Pending implosion.
Fear.
Fear.
Overwhelming fear.
Of what?
Missing some critical detail, of something … or …
Discouragement. Just feeling distant.
Fighting and jabbing in the dark.
But it’s so dark.
darknessSo dark.
Why do I have to keep fighting?
Why?
Comfort used to come so easy. It still can. It’s there. Tempting me to partake and wallow in shallow escapes.
From the fear.
The lonely distance from walking in purpose. With Him. God. Him.
Is He really there?
Is God’s voice just my wandering imagination?
Am I really back at zero?
Where are You?

Then … a moment.
A tiny flutter.
A tiny strand.
One song.
Then another.
A sliver of light.

carNo, I don’t want to face this.
I don’t want to face this fear. The ache. The promise of Life that feels so elusive.
Why isn’t it easier?
But then again, a flutter.
Light piercing through.
Breathing.
You’re here. THIS is reality. I’m not in control.
Receive from You? Receive?
But I’ve been so distant. I’ve chosen everything but You.
This path is so narrow. Almost surreal. But what IS reality anyway?
Your reality. I’m here as your child.
Floating away.
On my tiny strand
….   of light in the great darkness. The great brokenness. That is the world.
Overwhelming darkness.
Overwhelming brokenness.
How could it be so dark, so broken?
Why is the path so narrow?

strand of light

But it’s there. It’s here.
I see the path.
You’re showing me.
Can I really trust You?
This tiny strand?
Ok, one tiny step. Here I go.
One tiny step onto the strand…

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light brighter

My senses are already flooded.
With light.
Yes, I trust You.
Here I am again, your child. My hand in Yours.
Here I am.
Here I am.
That’s all I must say, all You require.
Here I am.
Here I am.
I am yours.
You have Life.
You have endless gifts to give me.
Understanding, rest, peace, perspective.
None of my fearful striving has given me these.
Precious gifts.
Thank you.
How could I be enjoying this moment so much?
How could the fear be sucked away so quickly?
Chasing after you. On my tiny strand.
Growing brighter and brighter.

Soaring in Phoenix.
And resting … finally.

sunsetOf course I had gotten stuck.
In fear.
The opposition is getting more and more intense.
I’ll take that as a compliment.
Now let’s move.

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed…

2 Cor 4:6-8a


Comments

Here I Am — 6 Comments

  1. thank you so much for writing this Corrie (: it’s so easy to get overwhelmed with feelings – feeling like you’re not growing, feeling like you’re not actually hearing from God, feeling like you’re slowly slipping away, feeling the fear. and it was so encouraging to read about God breaking through, HE is reality.

    • Isn’t it crazy how subtle the fear can creep back in, how we can, as you said “slip away”? We need community around us to encourage us and keep us from slipping away. I pray for breakthrough for you in your life too, Abby! And I see it! Thanks for your comment.

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