Facing “Reality”… and God

Corrie, move on.
Corrie, you’re crazy.
Corrie, just call a spade a spade.
Corrie, you’re in denial.
Corrie, you’re just seeing what you want to see.
Corrie, you need to think about dating again.
Corrie, you can’t wait around forever.
Corrie, your head is in the clouds.

Am I making all of this God stuff up?
Or part of it?
Am I psychologically “fixated” on a certain outcome?
Hearing what I want to hear?
Addicted to suffering?
Attached to and/or conforming my identity to an unhealthy degree with certain (even good) associations people have of me in crisis-mode?

“Corrie, you need to be aware of all the psychological dynamics at play here.”

Ok, ok. I’m aware.
Yes, I’m aware.

I’m all for awareness.
But when is “awareness” just a mascaraed of doubt, mistrust, control and self-reliance?
There can be a thin line.

I’ve tried walking this out differently, in the name of being “aware” and “facing reality.”

I’ve tried questioning and second-guessing every step.
Second-guessing everything I “hear”.
Being “moderate.”
Sifting each experience I have with God through a psychological sieve.

But life is simply not found there.
What drains through is a dead analysis… not joy. not purpose.

And I don’t want to just live a psychologically analyzed and aware life.

The awareness I’m most after is an awareness of God.
Abandon.
Abundance.
Childlike trust in the creator of my mind and my thoughts, the holder of my future, and the straightener of my path.
The One who is most aware, the One with the all-encompassing perspective.
The One who has corrected me, and will continue to correct me when I start fixating on anything but Him.

I don’t really have a lot of answers. I’ve never done this before.
I just have my experiences.

Experiences hearing God’s voice whisper His heart for a plan so incredibly massive and beautiful, I can barely take it in. Experiences following and responding to that same voice, and seeing incredible things happen in the “natural” world of my circumstances. Real people getting real help from Him too, right along with me. Not just me and my “fantasy.”

Am I in denial?
In a way – sure. I guess you could see it that way, in that I don’t look first or primarily at my circumstances to determine my response to this crisis.

Am I fixated?
Sure.
I have to be.

I am learning to fixate with a brand new pair of eyes.
On Him.
Not my outcome, not my circumstances.
Eyes filled with joy and wonder at a God who is writing a story that is much bigger than me, and even my marriage.

A God who constantly reminds me that He is the primary provider of fulfillment, not a husband. He corrects me when I wander into focusing on outcome, helping me to fix my eyes on Him instead.

Am I crazy?
Maybe.
But being crazy is kind of fun.
And faith is definitely crazy.
Fully dependent on a power bigger than me.
Releasing control.

“But, Corrie, you deserve to be happy, protected, cared for.”

But what is happy? Being in a relationship?
What does that solve?

I guess it brings a level of “certainty” to things, which of course, some concerned people around me want for me.

But, is certainty of my circumstances the goal? Locking them down?
No.
I feel that uncertainty in the natural world of my circumstances is exactly where I’m meant to be right now.

There is a storm.
It’s a huge storm.
But I’ve found some strangely stable footing amongst the waves.
A solid narrow strip of certainty as I lock my eyes on the One whose mere breath can silence the storm in a moment.

God’s voice is calling me forward.
To walk boldly, without fear.
Without hesitation.
And to walk gently, savoring this journey.
Each step the beat of a dance with the Creator of the universe.

“But, Corrie, you deserve to be happy, protected, cared for.”

I am.
I am.
I am.

“…to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Eph. 3:19)

God, I’ll let You keep writing this story, leading this dance.

“The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” (John 3:8)

 


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